Second Time Around

It's been so long since I've taken the time to write. Honestly, writing requires a measure of vulnerability that I just couldn't handle til now. Saying that, even now, causes me to backspace a little. I mean, really, am I willing to come clean? Am I willing to pour out some of those dark places here? Yes, I am.

I always have assumed that we all come with "baggage", never stopping to consider the possibility of not only unloading that baggage, but of getting rid of the bags forever! Why...why would anyone carry around such heavy, bulky, cumbersome luggage? Why have I been carrying this stuff around with me everywhere I go? My bags aren't the designer Luis Vuitton, Gucci, Coach types. Mine are more costly! Instead of costing me a few hundred dollars, they've cost me my sleep, my peace, my joy, my hope. Here are the labels on my bags: Molested, Neglected, Just Not Good Enough, Abandoned, Falling Short...again, Broke... I just can't carry this crap around anymore. It's time to unload the baggage and then set it on fire.

I've blamed so many people for this baggage I carry. As a matter of fact, I've had to add a couple of other bags around my neck just to catch the overflow of paralyzing emotion produced by the stuff in those other bags. These bags,the ones around my neck,are hideous. They are Bitterness and Grudges! You've probably seen them before; bags don't get much uglier and cumbersome than those! So, where do I unload Molseted, Neglected, Just Not Good Enough, Abandoned, Falling Short...again, Broke, Bitterness and Grudges? I will unload them at the foot of the cross.

I'm already feeling lighter!Thank you Jesus!

So Very Blessed

Here I am, excited, motivated, and full of joy. Why? Because I've come to a crossroad that is wonderful! My Lord's words have compelled me to consider not only the words that I say but the thoughts that I choose to think. And having followed His gentle, yet somehow firm prodding, I find myself reminded of just how blessed I am.
Having looked over past postings that may lead the reader to feel sad, worried or otherwise discouraged, I decided to delete quite a bit from the blog. In other words, if you as a reader would not be blessed reading it, it was deleted. Why? Well, if through my writing you are not encouraged to live a Christ-filled life, you are not motivated to be the person you were designed to be, you cannot rejoice in the work that the Sovereign is doing in my life, you do not step away from your computer contemplating the significance of your life, then I am truly not doing what I set out to do here.
For a while there, I was stuck in a spiritual rut, wondering when it would end. The fog that was clouding my ability to write, think, pray, and enjoy the blessed life that I have was taking over my life. Little by little, I was becoming scared, bitter, and less enjoyable to be with. That happens so easily when less than perfect circumstances become my focus (and who of us doesn't live in less than perfect circumstances) rather than focusing on the God who created me, who saved me, who sanctifies me...
So here I am, a young and fit woman with five amazingly beautiful children, a husband who is passionate and tender (not to mention quite the talented musician), a great career which allows me to be with my children more often, and the most encouraging friends that a woman can hope for. Did you ever hear the song which starts out like this, "Count your blessings, name them one by one," and ends with "Count your blessings, see what God has done." How is it that something so simple can give so much joy? Well, that's where I am right now. I'm counting my blessings. And I'm hoping that you will do the same. If you are reading this, please respond where you are able to leave a comment, by naming ten to fifteen blessings in your life. Once you do that, take some time alone with God, thanking Him for what He has given to you and asking Him to show you how to use those blessings wisely.

Vulnerable writing

Okay, so I'm writing about how difficult a time I'm having writing. It seems that the only decent writing that I can do is the vulnerable kind. I'd say it's been well over a year since I've been willing to be vulnerable in my writing and no doubt it's holding me back a bit. Writing used to be this great release for me, a therapeutic hashing out of my emotions, desires, ambitions... Just when my fingers find the keys which express my heart's frustrations, desires, triumphs and fears,I find myself frozen, afraid that suddenly I'll be exposed. But what am I truly afraid of? That I am human? I can't even honestly say that I know what holds me back right now, but I do know I am a bit afraid. I find myself either unwilling or unable to live in the faith that has brought me thus far? I really don't know what to do from here except perhaps write under a different name. Oh, that I may be unashamedly human!

Trying to find my way back home

Working on my journey back to my Father...

Checking in

Just yesterday, a brother in Christ sat at this computer here and read some past entries from my weblog. After having spent some time talking about writing, I thought that this was a great way to introduce myself to him. I had absolutely no idea what a difference that would make in both of our lives. He'd just read "No Pity Please." The following link will take you there: http://reallyneedanap.blogspot.com/2005_04_01_reallyneedanap_archive.html .
What I didn't know about this young man is that he'd been going through a marital separation and had been struggling spiritually and emotionally. This kind, seemingly strong man has some brokenness that no doubt he'd like to see healed. What he didn't know is that I've struggled through a few other issues that I was scared to be transparent enough to mention them here or anywhere else. Not too long ago I considered truly pouring my heart out in word; yet, I was too scared to deal with the turmoils of the recent past. I sit here with the sudden realization that the very things that I'd rather keep hidden secrets of my past are lessons I've learned and that they're no benefit to anyone if I keep them locked inside never to be mentioned again. I also realize that this may very well be a therapeutic journey that I'd benefit from taking. So, I sit here, announcing to whomever may click onto the weblog that I'm planning on sharing some of the lessons that God has taught me with more transparency than every before. And my prayer is that anyone who reads it will be touched in some life-changing way that glorifies God and blesses them.
More later.

"Did I Just Say That?": Part 4, bragging

One of the difficult things for me to do is listen to someone brag. Very often, parents (me included) must remind their children that bragging isn't very becoming. At least with children, there's the excuse that they just don't know better. Sometimes it may actually be a bit endearing hearing a child say, "My dad is stronger than any man this side of the Mississippi River," or "My mom is the prettiest mom in the whole neighborhood." Such is not the case when it comes to grown-ups.
I think the most common way that adults brag is to slip a little unasked-for information into a conversation. Here is an exagerated example. Bob's neighbor, Ralph sees Bob outside washing his new car. "Hi Bob! Is that a new car you've got there? Looks great! I've been thinking of buying one similar. You know, the state of the art hybrid model? No doubt about it, I can afford it now that I'm being promoted to Regional Sales Manager of the company I work for. They had to give me that promotion considering that year after year I make new company records with the amazing sales I make. My company is actually run by Donald Trump's brother. Let me tell you, it was major competition getting into that company. Good thing I got my master's degree from Yale! Yeah, Yale. That's where I met my wife who was Miss Alabama the year we met. Yep, twenty-five years ago we met and she says I still look the same. Not everyone can look like this at 45. Everyone tells me I look like I'm about 30. That's how it is when you take good care of yourself the way I do. So Bob, how are things going with you?" I don't know about you, but if I were Bob, I wouldn't be able to help but wonder if Ralph was expecting me to pull out my resume and W-2. The Bob's of this world cringe when they run into the Ralphs who are going to go on and on and on about themselves.
I guess on some level, people want to be accepted by those that they come in contact with. And what a wonderful thing it is to be respected, perhaps even admired. But what happens when you toot your own horn is quite the opposite. People are irritated by you and may even try to avoid you.
I find myself often admiring people who build up others around themselves; these are the people I enjoy being with. I feel like I can actually be a blessing and be blessed in such a person's presence. One couple who touched my life in an extra special way were very much like parents to me. The husband was a very prominant pediatrician in my area. He was well respected, well loved and quite well-known as a wonderful doctor. Never once did I hear him brag. Very often did I hear him praise others, compliment those in his presence and seek to serve. I also remember him to be a wonderful listener. His wife was quite accomplished and talented in her own right and I have the same memory of her. She was so very gracious to others around her, a wonderful listener, and never void of encouraging words. Although I never gave it much thought until now, these two people had plenty of accomplishments and possessions to brag about; yet, I never once heard them brag about any of it.
Personally, I believe that we tend to brag when we don't feel good in our own skin. People will be impressed with us when they see our character, when our lives brag for themselves without the extra help of our mouths.

"Did I Just Say That? Part 3: Say Nothing, it's ok

Sometimes I just wish I could have an invisible muzzle. I find myself talking at the most inopportune times and later regretting it. For someone who is too often concerned with what others' perception of her is, I certainly can ruin a first impression with nervous chatter or interrupting. For the most part, I believe that I'm a good communicator whose come a long way at learning to listen and take in what others have to say, but I'm not going to settle for mere improvement; I want to master this. My desire to be a good friend motivates me to be a better listener.
We social butterflies have this tendency to monopolize conversations and keep others from completing a thought or getting a word in edgewise. Although I cannot speak for others, I know that personally I can get so excited about the experience of a conversation that I too often forget to listen to what is being spoken. The person on the other end is irritated if not frustrated that I didn't really listen, I'm embarrassed that I didn't just shut up, and there's an akwardness thereafter. I can't stand knowing that I've missed out on the opportunity to really get to know the person I'm speaking with simply because I didn't keep my mouth shut. Knowing that many people like me want to be more of a blessing to those in their lives than an irritating presence, I've decided to share some things I've observed about myself regarding this matter.
I've cannot think of a time that I've been fully comfortable with silence when in the presence of others. Sure, I enjoy the time before the children wake up in the wee hours of the morning (yes, I'm an irritating morning person) when the only sounds I hear are the swish of the ceiling fan, the cars passing by in the distance, my feet walking across my hardwood floors... But put someone else in the mix, and I just drown in the silence. I'm learning to accept it and even enjoy it, but it is an effort. Personally, I have to practically tell myself before meeting with someone that I'm going to not push conversations that aren't coming naturally.
Here's perhaps one of the most irritating things that I do. I know it's irritating to others because I can hardly stand it when it happens to me. When with a group of people or an individual who are discussing something I'm passionate about, I have a hard time not pulling out my soapbox and taking over the conversation. Sometimes, it's quite an effort to just sit and listen to people I enjoy to be around; at the same time I'm finding my friendships to be more meaningful as I learn to hear what those I'm listening to are passionate about without throwing in my two cents worth of opinionated chatter. Listening without finding it necessary to give unasked-for feedback for some comes naturally; for others it's an effort. For me it's an effort worth making.
Do you ever find yourself interrupted over and over and over again by the same person or people? Well, I've been the interrupter more times than I could possibly count and it's one of the things I am most determined to change. Personally, I'm not offended if someone says, "Gretchen, listen to me. I'm talking, and I don't feel like you're hearing me." I don't know why others interrupt people, but when it comes to me it's typically a combination of nerves and excitement about the conversation. There is something else that I believe plays a big role in my habit of not keeping others from completing their thoughts that I don't believe is a small thing. I come from a family of opinionated people who interrupt or speak just to be heard. There aren't a lot of good listeners in my family; so, from childhood, I'd learned that if you don't interrupt, you'll never be heard. The good fortune I have now is that I have made many wonderful friends and acquaintances who are wonderful listeners. Being listened to is one of the greatest gifts sometimes. Why withhold that kind of blessing from someone you know or want to get to know? I'm going to break this habit and it all starts by telling myself over and over again until it comes naturally, "Gretchen, listen to what______ is saying. Don't say a word until you've heard what they have to say. Be sure you're really heard them before you start rambling."
There's not a doubt in my mind that I'm on my way to being a better listener, but I know it's going to take breaking these bad habits. It's much easier to like the person I see myself becoming as I work on such things as this.