(·.¸(`·.¸The Gretchenator¸.·´)¸.·)

So, what's new

2011-01-24T13:58:00.003-05:00

Wow! So much going on....

Over the past few months, our lives have been absolutely non-stop!

Throughout the Fall, I learned the reality of what so many of my friends who'd gone before me with teenagers had told me, "Gretchen, you think you're busy now...Just wait til they're teenagers." Three girls cheering, one son running cross country, a super-energetic and creative husband who'd easily give the Energizer Bunny a run for his money, a full-time career as a personal trainer, and a drive to reach some personal fitness goals are all the things that kept me from remembering to write. So many beautiful things have been happening that I've just gotta keep writing!

So, here's what's been going on in our busy household and in my busy life.

Football season:
Sophie, Abigail, and Bethany all were cheering this Fall. Gone are the days when I believed that cheerleaders weren't really athletes, that cheerleading didn't serve any "real purpose", or that cheerleaders are stuck-up, mean girls who just want to look cute and be popular. Watching my seven-year-old cheer with about 4-5 other little girls, I was amazed at how her hand-eye coordination and ability to memorize using patterns and rhythms were enhanced. She also learned long-suffering, compassion, and understanding as a couple of the girls had behavior issues (one of which specifically related to severe ADHD). Sophie learned that we're all very different in how we learn and interact. She displayed a lovely disposition and an accepting attitude toward everyone. She also learned the importance of working together as a team for a common goal. She learned the importance of doing things even when they're difficult. There was one game when only two cheerleaders showed up to a game, Sophie and her friend Arianna. The other team had a whopping 25 cheerleaders. At halftime, Sophie and Arianna went out on that field and perfectly performed their routine. They were in sync, delightfully loud, and had a good attitude. As a result, they received a standing ovation from BOTH sides. Coaches and parents were near tears because they knew how difficult it must have been for two little girls having a few hundred people watching (all football players, coaches, parents, cheerleaders, etc.). There were extraordinarily hot and cold days when Sophie, for the first time in her life, was in a position to stick with her team because they were counting on her. With such a little squad, it was important to be there and not quit. Mommy pride just swelled in my heart week after week for my little Sophie.

Abigail, my 10 year old, also cheered for her first time. For Abigail, this initially was something to do because her big sister, Beth is a cheerleader. Abby is one of those kids who just loves trying new things and has a hard time wanting to stick with any one thing. As a mom, I still struggle with what to "make" her do and what to "allow" her to do. She's a kid who, in many ways, has a Midas touch of sorts. It seems that just about everything she attempts, she nails perfectly. It's always a concern to me that she remain humble and cheerleading was a good place for her to learn this. Abby was definitely the smallest girl on the squad and as a result was just about always a "flyer" for stunts. She really displayed a lot of compassion for the other girls who wanted that opportunity but couldn't. It was a joy to see her show such compassion. Abby often didn't enjoy practice because she had to be still for long periods of time or because there were many re-do's so that everyone could perfectly perform their cheers, chants, stunts, and dances. She'd pick them up quickly and just wanted to move on to the next thing. This was probably the one activity which forced her to develop empathy for others and patience. I'm not sure if she'll do it again. Selfishly, I'd like her to cheer again next Fall because I felt it was good for her to have that kind of discipline. But frankly, she's just not into it. She'd rather play her violin and is now talking about running track again (she'd done that a couple of years ago).

This was Bethany's second season cheering for football (and this winter she's cheering for basketball too). Boy has she come a long way. A year ago, her confidence was nil. She'd hear over and over, "Bethany, I can't hear you," "Bethany, we really need you to be louder," "Don't be shy." Now, it's an all new Bethany. She's much more confident, her motions are sharper, and we can hear her. Who'd have the thought that the little girl who once literally could not bring herself to say even ONE WORD in the presence of anyone other than her mommy and her daddy would be standing, week after week, boldly cheering and doing stunts in front of a few hundred people. As a parent, this is a huge blessing.

Josh ran his second year of cross country. He had to learn balance this year, and I had to learn to "chill out" and parent with tender firmness. This may be the first year (he turned 16 this past Fall) that tenderness was a real challenge, more because of me than him. It's been a challenge allowing him to become the mand God created him to be rather than the young man I want him to be. He certainly marches to the beat of his own drummer which, to me, often seems to be in the rhythm of chaos. And then, I'm reminded that he is 16 years old, not six. Cross country was a bit tough for him because he's got these shin splints that just keep returning. As a personal trainer, I tried the typical things they teach us to do for our clients with such persistent problems, but for Josh, it just didn't seem to work. I'm not a running coach, but I'm becoming more competitive. So, I really had to learn that Josh's running cannot be about me; rather, it has to be about him. Selfishly, I know realize, I wanted him to "win" for my own parental pride. Humbly, I learned that parenting is supposed to be about helping my son realize his potential in Christ. Whether it's harping on him about his schoolwork so that it's the best he can do, competing athletically so that he is the best runner he can be for the benefit of him and his team, or walking in Christ so that he can face the challenges of this world and come otu victorious, I know it has to be about him. How humbling it is to learn that in many ways, I can find myself parenting for my own satisfaction as opposed to doing it for the glory of God and the benefit of my child. Humble pie is not easily digested.

Caleb, he's the only one in the house who didn't play a sport this year. He just wasn't interested. Although he played football last year, he really just wanted to run. He'd recently learned that he's a decent runner and that he has some promise as a long distance runner. If I could've gotten everyone else where they needed to be and gotten him involved in a youth running program, I certainly would have. Caleb was more than satisfied working on his art. What a fabulous ability he has. I say that cautiously, not wanting to just be one of those moms who believes her child is the creme de la creme. He's shown not just ability but a willingness to diligently perfect his abilities. One thing Caleb has really been an example to me in is his focus and willingness to do what he needs to do BEFORE what he wants to do. At 12 years old, he's often put me to shame in that regard. Where I may procrastinate doing what I really cannot stand doing (like cleaning my bathroom) and do what I want to do (go to the gym), Caleb will just about always do what he must do before doing what he wants to do. It is my prayer and hope that he continues that and that he never feels taken for granted.

Now, on to Elon and me...

Elon has been busy at work, really working hard to finally complete his album so that it is ready to go to market and so that he is ready to perform. I don't know how he does it sometimes...running the office for the recording studio, running his mobile entertainment company, DJ'ing and coordinating his other DJ's and performers throughout the year, and still having the mojo and focus to get his album out there. As a couple. this is an all out drive to get our love story--the album "Ever Since..." into the hands of people all over, to get Elon performing his own music which has been his life dream. As his wife, I strongly desire to see his dream fulfilled and to be an active part of this as his helpmeet.
Personally, there's so much going on. It goes without saying that my role as mom and wife are priority number one for me. That being said, the bills have to be paid. Praise God that I can have a career which allows me to share my passion for health and fitness with people. There are times when it's been rocky. Afterall, I am positive that my services are often considered a luxury expense. As such, when expenses need to be reevaluated, I'm often personally affected by this. That being said, I've fared rather well and still train nearly full-time both in-home and in-gym.
I'm still plugging away at finishing my teaching degree through Liberty University's distance learning program. What a blessing it is to have such an opportunity! I cannot possibly stress how fortunate I feel to have this opportunity. Just one generation ahead of me could not have done what I can do...compelete my degree without the confines of a traditional schedule.
For the first time ever, I'm training to compete in my first figure competition. Just less than a year ago, I'd not even allowed myself the dream of competing this way. After a lot of self-evaluation and encouragement from friends and family, I've come to a place where I truly believe that this is something I CAN DO! It may be the first time in my adult life that I'm accomplishing a goal solely for me spiritually, physically, and emotionally. As I've gone through this process so far, I've faced my own issues with self-esteem, self-control, food, relationships, time management, organization, etc. There are things I've learned about myself that I simply would've never learned had I not started this journey. And believe you me...I"m going to finish this journey!

I'm saving a family member for last in this blog post. That's Shayna. Shayna is my beloved daughter through marriage. She's a senior in college now, truly a young woman. When I met Shayna, she was a 15-year-old girl having to take in the idea of her dad being with, and eventually marrying a woman with a whopping five children. I don't pretend to know what it's like to be in Shayna's shoes, going from an only child of a single daddy to the young lady of a step-mom with five kids. So many changes to digest...sharing the affections of her daddy with so many people. I can remember what it was like hearing my step-sisters call my dad "Daddy" and am sure that Shayna felt those same feelings. Frankly, I believe it probably hurt on some level. And I can only imagine what it was like to suddenly have brothers, little men whom Daddy would be throwing the football or horseplaying with. And then there's me, the new woman in her daddy's life who would cuddle him during a movie or get the last kiss goodnight. I'd been in her shoes in some ways because I'm a step-daughter and I have a step-mom with other daughters. I was the "princess" for my daddy---I still am... It hurt on a deep level to know that there was another place in my wonderful daddy's heart for others. Shayna, handled these changes beautifully and I really sense for the first time ever a true and full acceptance by this beautiful young woman whom I love so deeply.

Shayna has taught me so much about life and there's so much that I admire about her. One thing that stands out above most things is that Shay really seems to look at situations by trying to empathize or at least understand where others are coming from. Her diplomacy is phenomenal. Shayna, I don't know if you'll ever read this, but if you do, I hope that you know that I love you so much; you're a lovely young woman and it's a joy to have you as a daughter! Thank you for sharing your amazing daddy with us.

2010-08-31T15:16:00.002-05:00

This was taken by my kids' Aunt Sarah. From left to right--Caleb, Sophie, Bethany, Abigail, Joshua. I cannot possibly imagine a life without them. Some say, "I cannot believe you have five children! What were you thinking???" Well, look at these children---each of them are sunshine in my days. When they are small, they may wonder, "Who is Mommy's favorite?" They're all my favorite! Sophie for her silly dainty ways and her enormous heart, Abigail for her excitement for life and her tenderness, Caleb for his warmth and compassionate spirit, Bethany for her wisdom beyond her years and nurturing heart, Joshua for his soulful depth and unwillingness to merely "be".

Truth be known, I have six... The oldest I am fortunate enough to have acquired through marriage. At 21, she teaches me more than she may know---about myself, about love...

Oh to deserve these blessings! The joy the bring to my days, the compassion they teach me to give to others, the tenderness they show the most callous of hearts....God has given me riches beyond measure by putting each of these beautiful souls in my care. Lord, I pray for wisdom to raise them up to glorify and serve you.

In Christ...

2010-02-04T18:14:00.002-05:00

In Christ, I can be the me I was created to be...
In Christ, my desires are pure and not burdensome.
In Christ, my goals are entirely different yet more clear than ever.
In Christ, my sleep is light.
In Christ, there is not one friend who doesn't have eternal significance to me.
In Christ, my children are a gift-not a job.
In Christ, my husband is more than a mere companion.
In Christ, the disruptions in this life are not disruptions at all.
In Christ, my hope is real.
In Christ, I am free...free to be what I was created to be...

Second Time Around

2008-10-26T13:57:00.004-05:00

It's been so long since I've taken the time to write. Honestly, writing requires a measure of vulnerability that I just couldn't handle til now. Saying that, even now, causes me to backspace a little. I mean, really, am I willing to come clean? Am I willing to pour out some of those dark places here? Yes, I am.

I always have assumed that we all come with "baggage", never stopping to consider the possibility of not only unloading that baggage, but of getting rid of the bags forever! Why...why would anyone carry around such heavy, bulky, cumbersome luggage? Why have I been carrying this stuff around with me everywhere I go? My bags aren't the designer Luis Vuitton, Gucci, Coach types. Mine are more costly! Instead of costing me a few hundred dollars, they've cost me my sleep, my peace, my joy, my hope. Here are the labels on my bags: Molested, Neglected, Just Not Good Enough, Abandoned, Falling Short...again, Broke... I just can't carry this crap around anymore. It's time to unload the baggage and then set it on fire.

I've blamed so many people for this baggage I carry. As a matter of fact, I've had to add a couple of other bags around my neck just to catch the overflow of paralyzing emotion produced by the stuff in those other bags. These bags,the ones around my neck,are hideous. They are Bitterness and Grudges! You've probably seen them before; bags don't get much uglier and cumbersome than those! So, where do I unload Molseted, Neglected, Just Not Good Enough, Abandoned, Falling Short...again, Broke, Bitterness and Grudges? I will unload them at the foot of the cross.

I'm already feeling lighter!Thank you Jesus!

Self-Neglect

2007-02-26T15:36:00.001-05:00

As a personal trainer, I often meet people who feel defeated. More often than not, they are fighting to lose body fat that has slowly crept up on them over the years. These are regular people, like you and me, who have done their best to provide for their families, to be there for their loved ones, and to get ahead in their careers. Most of these people find themselves feeling disappointed that they've let their health and fitness reach such low levels and come to me eager to make a change that will last. They've valued their careers, their families, their homes, their friendships; yet, they put their own physical well-being on the back burner. I tend to believe that it takes most of us a while to realize that we are not invincible. We seem to think that we can go through life, spending no time or energy on our health without any serious consequences. The difficult truth is that in order to feel and look good, each individual has to take action. Otherwise, going up and down the stairs will become a chore, maybe even a painful one. Those jeans we just bought may not fit next year. That lower back ache may turn into all out pain. The cute little beer-belly may turn into a heart attack waiting to happen. Self-neglect turns into a serious problem.

Too often I will meet a mother who has poured herself into her career and family so much that she finds later in life that her own health has suffered. Perhaps, her schedule was so full that there was not even an hour which she could devote to her own well-being. Or I will meet busy middle-aged gentleman battling obesity, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, joint pain, and fatigue after years of pouring himself into a stressful career and family with not time to even think about exercising or healthy eating habits. I've even worked with teenagers whose busy school and extra curricular schedules left little time for much of anything other than eating on the go. It seems that we all are living in a culture that discourages us from taking care of ourselves. And I am here to tell you that you can put a stop to that in your own family.

Take a look at yourself in the mirror when you get out of the shower. Listen to your breathing when you go up the stairs at home or work. Evaluate the time that you actually spend doing something for your well-being each day. Do you like what you are seeing here? If not, perhaps you are a victim of self-neglect. If this is the case, maybe now is the time to make a change for you and your family, especially if you have children. You are worth the time that it takes to be the most fit you that you can be. You are worth the sacrifice it takes to feel good about yourself.

If after reading this, you are motivated to make a change, start with just one or two things at a time. Perhaps, this week you will make the decision to drink more water and take the stairs instead of the elevator. Give yourself that task first. Once you've done that for a little while, maybe you will make the decision to give up fast food or that nightly bowl of ice cream. Whatever changes you make, don't overwhelm yourself; otherwise, you may find yourself wanting to give up.

Go for it! Make the life changes necessary to be the healthiest you that you and your loved ones know that you can be.

So Very Blessed

2006-11-07T07:24:00.000-05:00

Here I am, excited, motivated, and full of joy. Why? Because I've come to a crossroad that is wonderful! My Lord's words have compelled me to consider not only the words that I say but the thoughts that I choose to think. And having followed His gentle, yet somehow firm prodding, I find myself reminded of just how blessed I am.
Having looked over past postings that may lead the reader to feel sad, worried or otherwise discouraged, I decided to delete quite a bit from the blog. In other words, if you as a reader would not be blessed reading it, it was deleted. Why? Well, if through my writing you are not encouraged to live a Christ-filled life, you are not motivated to be the person you were designed to be, you cannot rejoice in the work that the Sovereign is doing in my life, you do not step away from your computer contemplating the significance of your life, then I am truly not doing what I set out to do here.
For a while there, I was stuck in a spiritual rut, wondering when it would end. The fog that was clouding my ability to write, think, pray, and enjoy the blessed life that I have was taking over my life. Little by little, I was becoming scared, bitter, and less enjoyable to be with. That happens so easily when less than perfect circumstances become my focus (and who of us doesn't live in less than perfect circumstances) rather than focusing on the God who created me, who saved me, who sanctifies me...
So here I am, a young and fit woman with five amazingly beautiful children, a husband who is passionate and tender (not to mention quite the talented musician), a great career which allows me to be with my children more often, and the most encouraging friends that a woman can hope for. Did you ever hear the song which starts out like this, "Count your blessings, name them one by one," and ends with "Count your blessings, see what God has done." How is it that something so simple can give so much joy? Well, that's where I am right now. I'm counting my blessings. And I'm hoping that you will do the same. If you are reading this, please respond where you are able to leave a comment, by naming ten to fifteen blessings in your life. Once you do that, take some time alone with God, thanking Him for what He has given to you and asking Him to show you how to use those blessings wisely.

Vulnerable writing

2006-10-09T23:26:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I'm writing about how difficult a time I'm having writing. It seems that the only decent writing that I can do is the vulnerable kind. I'd say it's been well over a year since I've been willing to be vulnerable in my writing and no doubt it's holding me back a bit. Writing used to be this great release for me, a therapeutic hashing out of my emotions, desires, ambitions... Just when my fingers find the keys which express my heart's frustrations, desires, triumphs and fears,I find myself frozen, afraid that suddenly I'll be exposed. But what am I truly afraid of? That I am human? I can't even honestly say that I know what holds me back right now, but I do know I am a bit afraid. I find myself either unwilling or unable to live in the faith that has brought me thus far? I really don't know what to do from here except perhaps write under a different name. Oh, that I may be unashamedly human!

Trying to find my way back home

2006-10-01T19:30:00.000-05:00

Working on my journey back to my Father...

Checking in

2006-07-09T10:08:00.000-05:00

Just yesterday, a brother in Christ sat at this computer here and read some past entries from my weblog. After having spent some time talking about writing, I thought that this was a great way to introduce myself to him. I had absolutely no idea what a difference that would make in both of our lives. He'd just read "No Pity Please." The following link will take you there: http://reallyneedanap.blogspot.com/2005_04_01_reallyneedanap_archive.html .
What I didn't know about this young man is that he'd been going through a marital separation and had been struggling spiritually and emotionally. This kind, seemingly strong man has some brokenness that no doubt he'd like to see healed. What he didn't know is that I've struggled through a few other issues that I was scared to be transparent enough to mention them here or anywhere else. Not too long ago I considered truly pouring my heart out in word; yet, I was too scared to deal with the turmoils of the recent past. I sit here with the sudden realization that the very things that I'd rather keep hidden secrets of my past are lessons I've learned and that they're no benefit to anyone if I keep them locked inside never to be mentioned again. I also realize that this may very well be a therapeutic journey that I'd benefit from taking. So, I sit here, announcing to whomever may click onto the weblog that I'm planning on sharing some of the lessons that God has taught me with more transparency than every before. And my prayer is that anyone who reads it will be touched in some life-changing way that glorifies God and blesses them.
More later.

"Did I Just Say That?": Part 4, bragging

2005-12-27T12:43:00.000-05:00

One of the difficult things for me to do is listen to someone brag. Very often, parents (me included) must remind their children that bragging isn't very becoming. At least with children, there's the excuse that they just don't know better. Sometimes it may actually be a bit endearing hearing a child say, "My dad is stronger than any man this side of the Mississippi River," or "My mom is the prettiest mom in the whole neighborhood." Such is not the case when it comes to grown-ups.
I think the most common way that adults brag is to slip a little unasked-for information into a conversation. Here is an exagerated example. Bob's neighbor, Ralph sees Bob outside washing his new car. "Hi Bob! Is that a new car you've got there? Looks great! I've been thinking of buying one similar. You know, the state of the art hybrid model? No doubt about it, I can afford it now that I'm being promoted to Regional Sales Manager of the company I work for. They had to give me that promotion considering that year after year I make new company records with the amazing sales I make. My company is actually run by Donald Trump's brother. Let me tell you, it was major competition getting into that company. Good thing I got my master's degree from Yale! Yeah, Yale. That's where I met my wife who was Miss Alabama the year we met. Yep, twenty-five years ago we met and she says I still look the same. Not everyone can look like this at 45. Everyone tells me I look like I'm about 30. That's how it is when you take good care of yourself the way I do. So Bob, how are things going with you?" I don't know about you, but if I were Bob, I wouldn't be able to help but wonder if Ralph was expecting me to pull out my resume and W-2. The Bob's of this world cringe when they run into the Ralphs who are going to go on and on and on about themselves.
I guess on some level, people want to be accepted by those that they come in contact with. And what a wonderful thing it is to be respected, perhaps even admired. But what happens when you toot your own horn is quite the opposite. People are irritated by you and may even try to avoid you.
I find myself often admiring people who build up others around themselves; these are the people I enjoy being with. I feel like I can actually be a blessing and be blessed in such a person's presence. One couple who touched my life in an extra special way were very much like parents to me. The husband was a very prominant pediatrician in my area. He was well respected, well loved and quite well-known as a wonderful doctor. Never once did I hear him brag. Very often did I hear him praise others, compliment those in his presence and seek to serve. I also remember him to be a wonderful listener. His wife was quite accomplished and talented in her own right and I have the same memory of her. She was so very gracious to others around her, a wonderful listener, and never void of encouraging words. Although I never gave it much thought until now, these two people had plenty of accomplishments and possessions to brag about; yet, I never once heard them brag about any of it.
Personally, I believe that we tend to brag when we don't feel good in our own skin. People will be impressed with us when they see our character, when our lives brag for themselves without the extra help of our mouths.

"Did I Just Say That? Part 3: Say Nothing, it's ok

2005-12-18T16:06:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I just wish I could have an invisible muzzle. I find myself talking at the most inopportune times and later regretting it. For someone who is too often concerned with what others' perception of her is, I certainly can ruin a first impression with nervous chatter or interrupting. For the most part, I believe that I'm a good communicator whose come a long way at learning to listen and take in what others have to say, but I'm not going to settle for mere improvement; I want to master this. My desire to be a good friend motivates me to be a better listener.
We social butterflies have this tendency to monopolize conversations and keep others from completing a thought or getting a word in edgewise. Although I cannot speak for others, I know that personally I can get so excited about the experience of a conversation that I too often forget to listen to what is being spoken. The person on the other end is irritated if not frustrated that I didn't really listen, I'm embarrassed that I didn't just shut up, and there's an akwardness thereafter. I can't stand knowing that I've missed out on the opportunity to really get to know the person I'm speaking with simply because I didn't keep my mouth shut. Knowing that many people like me want to be more of a blessing to those in their lives than an irritating presence, I've decided to share some things I've observed about myself regarding this matter.
I've cannot think of a time that I've been fully comfortable with silence when in the presence of others. Sure, I enjoy the time before the children wake up in the wee hours of the morning (yes, I'm an irritating morning person) when the only sounds I hear are the swish of the ceiling fan, the cars passing by in the distance, my feet walking across my hardwood floors... But put someone else in the mix, and I just drown in the silence. I'm learning to accept it and even enjoy it, but it is an effort. Personally, I have to practically tell myself before meeting with someone that I'm going to not push conversations that aren't coming naturally.
Here's perhaps one of the most irritating things that I do. I know it's irritating to others because I can hardly stand it when it happens to me. When with a group of people or an individual who are discussing something I'm passionate about, I have a hard time not pulling out my soapbox and taking over the conversation. Sometimes, it's quite an effort to just sit and listen to people I enjoy to be around; at the same time I'm finding my friendships to be more meaningful as I learn to hear what those I'm listening to are passionate about without throwing in my two cents worth of opinionated chatter. Listening without finding it necessary to give unasked-for feedback for some comes naturally; for others it's an effort. For me it's an effort worth making.
Do you ever find yourself interrupted over and over and over again by the same person or people? Well, I've been the interrupter more times than I could possibly count and it's one of the things I am most determined to change. Personally, I'm not offended if someone says, "Gretchen, listen to me. I'm talking, and I don't feel like you're hearing me." I don't know why others interrupt people, but when it comes to me it's typically a combination of nerves and excitement about the conversation. There is something else that I believe plays a big role in my habit of not keeping others from completing their thoughts that I don't believe is a small thing. I come from a family of opinionated people who interrupt or speak just to be heard. There aren't a lot of good listeners in my family; so, from childhood, I'd learned that if you don't interrupt, you'll never be heard. The good fortune I have now is that I have made many wonderful friends and acquaintances who are wonderful listeners. Being listened to is one of the greatest gifts sometimes. Why withhold that kind of blessing from someone you know or want to get to know? I'm going to break this habit and it all starts by telling myself over and over again until it comes naturally, "Gretchen, listen to what______ is saying. Don't say a word until you've heard what they have to say. Be sure you're really heard them before you start rambling."
There's not a doubt in my mind that I'm on my way to being a better listener, but I know it's going to take breaking these bad habits. It's much easier to like the person I see myself becoming as I work on such things as this.

"Did I Just Say that?" Part 2: Is this really any of my business?

2005-11-14T15:44:00.001-05:00

"Did you know that Tamera's husband slept with Pastor Jake's wife?," Carol asked a bewildered Tanya. Tanya looked at Carol in total shock; she'd just had breakfast with the pastor's family the month before. She pictured their beautiful children, the family portrait she'd seen as she entered the pastor's home, and the lovely way that family seemed to her. At the first moment, she was completely in shock. That soon gave way to anger. How dare they!!! What hypocrites!!! Tanya was infuriated that the pastor's wife, of all people, would do this to anyone. "Carol, I should've seen it. When I was at the pastor's house just last month, those two didn't so much as hold hands. They didn't even sit near each other; as a matter of fact, I don't think they had much to say the whole evening. And they think we're all messed up. Look at them!" By the end of the day, more people in the church were talking about Tamera's husband and the pastor's wife.
The truth is, Tamera's husband did sleep with someone else's wife, but it wasn't the pastor's. The women in the church who'd started the gossip were found out. It turned out that Carol's sister had first told her about Tamera's husband. Carol, having been a friend of Tamera, immediately assumed it was the pastor's wife. The reason? Only Carol knows. Carol felt she had a right to talk about Tamera's misfortune with Tanya; afterall, Tanya and Carol had been friends with Tamera for years. But the truth is, she'd have been a better friend to be there for Tamera instead of gossiping about her heartbreak. She knew she'd not have talked about this event had Tamera been present. And had Tamera walked in on any of the conversations about her husband's unfaithfulness, she'd have been hurt beyond measure. This was no one's business afterall. Tamara did feel betrayed and before long, her friendship with Carol and Tanya had disintegrated to nothingness.
And what about the pastor's wife? She'd been hurt too. It took years to repair the damage this gossip caused to her private life both at home, in her friendships, in the community and at church. She was a beautiful woman and had a beautiful family, but when others looked her way, she couldn't help but wonder if they were thinking horrid thoughts about her. And why her? What had she done? She never knew why someone she'd once trusted had jumped to such an outrageous conclusion as the one Carol had.
Gossip hurts this way. From childhood through adulthood, gossip. "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" Yeah right! Often words hurt more than sticks and stones because they cut to the heart. And gossip, I believe is often more hurtful than random insults because it spreads like a cancer.
Personally, I struggle with butting my nose in where it doesn't belong. It's easy to be presumptuous to believe that it's my place to discuss my sibling's misfortune or bad choices with another relative. We're family afterall... Truth is, I want to be the kind of person who minds my own business. I don't like it when someone talks about my failures, my misfortunes, my heartbreaks with others. It's my business. A genuinely concerned person will approach the person directly about whatever the issues are instead of making it the topic of upcoming conversations with outsiders.
So, I'm going to be practicing minding my own business and I hope that you're encouraged to do the same. When I hear something scathing about someone, I'm going to train my mind to weigh whether or not I should indulge in the conversation or steer it in a different direction.

"Did I Just Say That?": Part 1

2005-11-01T17:00:00.000-05:00

I just enjoyed a conversation today with one of the most teachable people I've ever known. Fully aware of the fact that he's an imperfect person, yet striving to be more of the man he is capable of being, he's vulnerable enough to say, "There's something about me I just don't like and I've got to do something about it." What is it about himself that he doesn't like? It's his tendency to say things that he wouldn't have said had he thought them through a bit more. As we were speaking, I found myself thinking, "Well, isn't that a familiar struggle?"
Being fully aware of my own battle with taming my tongue, I'm sensitive to the fact that the words of my mouth are powerful. Every word spoken to someone has an impact on them. The person or people I'm speaking to (and perhaps others within ear-shot) may be bored to tears, provoked to anger, enlightened, encouraged, uplifted, irritated, misinformed, challenged, discouraged, comforted... Surely, I could go on stating more ways words may impact others, but I'm sure you get the idea now. After the conversation I had (the one which prompted me to write this), I stopped to ask myself this question. "When others spend time with me, do they walk away from the conversation edified?" If that is seldom the case, then what can I do to be a blessing to those I'm speaking with?
In the coming weeks, I'll be delving into this topic. Please join me in my endeavor to make the words of my mouth a blessing to those who hear them.

Children Are a Blessing: Part 3

2005-09-09T08:53:00.000-05:00

I had a "Part 3" all typed up and ready to post here. How typical of me to spend a few days, sometimes more than a few days pondering, typing, backspacing, editing, and tidying up something I'd like to share here just to find myself getting rid of the whole thing entirely. I'd believed so firmly in the points I'd intended to make on my weblog; but "America's Tsunami" happened. Now new pictures dance in my head, new (or perhaps renewed) thoughts and dreams have taken over in my mind. So, here I sit, sharing my heart with you.
Have you seen the pictures posted on various news stations of children who have been separated from their parents? If so, have you wondered if these beautiful children's parents have survived? I have. I find myself saying, "Please Lord, protect this little boy's care-takers so that they can be reunited," or "Father, this little girl is looking for her mother. Please bring them together soon, and make it a joyous occasion." I hear story after story of mothers who are distraught, longing desperately to hold their small children in my arms again and I pray fervently that those little ones will be held by these mothers again. Such thoughts and prayers take my heart and mind somewhere else when it comes to children, a place I've never before visited. I've found myself wondering, "If I was separated from my children, what would their memories of me be?" Sometimes, I am so very grateful that the children and I experienced so little of Hurricane Katrina, a storm which has proven herself a living nightmare to millions of people. But there are times that I nearly feel "guilty", for lack of a better word, that I, no better than countless others who've lost their lives and/or possessions, was so greatly spared. And then, I look into the ten little eyes which were formed in my womb and say to myself, "These children were created for a purpose which is greater than me, which is greater than Hurricane Katrina, which is greater than anything that I can fathom." So, I thank my Lord for entrusting them, for sparing us, for giving me the opportunity and high calling to raise these little people up to serve Him.
I have to be honest here. My life hasn't been Christ-focused as it should be. It's been very Me-focused. I put "Me" in caps because that's how I've treated myself. I don't merely want children who grow up to be responsible citizens who do more good than bad. I don't merely want children who grow up and can say, "Boy, I had a good mom!" I want my children to grow up to have been equipped in the Word of God to share the truth of Christ with those around them. I know that it is my responsibility to be a godly example of the kind of woman I was created to be. I am certain that God will and does enable me to be what he has called me to be for the sake of my children, for the sake of my Lord. He is faithful, he is my Lord.
I've spent months being perhaps more concerned w/ earthly happiness and success in my new-found career than I have on Christ. He is so good to me. Now, I must back-track, I must find it within me to make unselfish decisions, I must fully manage my time to the very best that I am able. I must make sure that my "Mom-time" (the time that I spend away from my children to refresh and re-group) is well-spent, that when I'm having that time, I'm not losing my eternal perspective. And I must admit that I have for quite some time. Sure to the outside world, those who do not truly share my faith, I'm a good mom, a dedicated worker, a good friend and an all round good person. But the truth is, my Christ-centeredness has waned. And as a mother blessed with five beautiful children who love me "more than chocolate pudding" (as we often tell each other at the beginning and end of each day), that's not an option. Being a Christ-centered person will make me a Christ-centered mom and being a Christ-centered mom and being a Christ-centered mom is the very best that I can be for myself and for my children. So, here I stand committed to forsaking that which I have been called to forsake for the sake of my children, for the love of my God and for the peace which I know is available to me as I rest in Christ.
Within the next few days, I will post a bit more from God's Word regarding this. In the meantime, I ask my brothers and sisters in Christ who are reading this to pray with and for me as I seek to be the godly woman I've been called to be, as I muster up the intestinal fortitude to turn my back on the sinful ways which so strongly pull me and and as I long to keep my face turned toward my Lord.

With much love,
Gretchen <><

Katrina isn't over

2005-09-01T06:10:00.000-05:00

For anyone who follows my weblog and has wondered how I'm doing, I want to let you know that I'm doing just fine. The kids and I are safe and have running water and electricity. They are out of school til next week, but safe and secure. I am back at work along with most of the rest of the employees at the company. I don't know if I can give you an entirely good report though. It seems like the hurricane is not over. Sure, it's sunny outside and there's barely even a breeze in the air, but I don't know if my parents are okay. The high-crime inner city New Orleans residents have moved in to our community and are looting, car-jacking, and creating a sense of fear amongst the residents who've welcomed them. Most of the other employees where I work are without power and some have completely lost everything. So many of us can use our phones to find out about other family members or to let loved-ones know that we are okay.
As for me, I'm very concerned about my parents. My parents in Mississippi decided not to evacuate the Gulf Coast in spite of the pleading with other family members otherwise. Finally Tuesday night, I learned that they were alive and well. What I don't know is if they had provision. I do know that they are likely isolated from others. I'm in the dark as to whether or not they are able to get water, food, or fuel. They have no electricity; so, they likely haven't a clue as to the devastation around them. Can you imagine not knowing that entire metropolitan areas near you have been wiped out completely? I also have parents in St. Tammany Parish. My guess is that they're alright, but I just don't know. They went to the hospital where my step-mother works for shelter. I'm hopeful that they are okay, but just do not know. My guess is that my family in St. Tammany Parish and in Mississippi have lost everything. So, to say that it is bitter-sweet that I'm in a large cozy house with electricity, clean water, internet access, and working phones is much more than an understatement.

Children Are a Blessing: Part 2

2005-08-04T11:58:00.000-05:00

It's 3:17am, the little bundle of joy lying down on the quilt Nana made, wearing the layette gown Aunt Justine purchased in the bassinet the former mom and dad-to-be picked out is screaming for her fourth feeding in the past seven hours. Mommy (the former mom-to-be) rolls over in tears to nurse her. Daddy has to be at work in four hours and is catching whatever sleep he can. Mommy is none too pleased about his gruff words, "Look, you can sleep when Anna sleeps, I have to go to work. So be quiet and let me sleep." Mommy's tears roll down her face...she's disheartened, angry, and perhaps a little scared. "How long can I endure this? My body hurts, I'm tired. If only I could get four straight hours of sleep..." Daddy, realizing his selfishness, yet overcome by exhaustion himself, pats Mommy on the back, rolls back over, and begins to snore. This is the side of being a new parent that we don't know is coming when we're expecting the new blessing.

If you're anything like me, when you were expecting your new one you agonized over just the right name. To name the child after parents or grandparents, do we use a Bible name, avoid the all-too-wierd names, ick at the all-too common names... I know I mainly prayed for a healthy baby. I probably worried more about getting back to "pre-pregnancy size" than many of the more important things. I didn't know how much work was in store for me, the changes that would take place in my thinking. I just didn't know so much.

Thankfully, those first three physically exhausting months pass by before ya know it. The baby weight doesn't linger forever (though it was hard for me to quit "eating for two." Of course, it feels like an eternity as you go through it, but before long you're asking where the time went. The baby is holding his head up, smiling, rolling over, cooing, and just lighting up the room he happens to be in. These months pass by almost too quickly.

Amazing how quickly babies turn into toddlers who turn into active children and so on and so on! For me, one thing I continually am amazed by as my children grow up is just how selfless their presence makes me. I cannot imagine my life without them. Each new stage the children go through, brings me through new stages of life as well. And here is where I say what a blessing my children's growing up has meant for me.

Of all the things I didn't know about having children, the main thing I didn't know is how patient, how unselfish, how compassionate I would become, due in part to my role as a mother. There is nothing I can think of more wonderful than seeing God's hand on my children's lives. Sometimes I believe I've been given an abundance of patience as an extra measure of grace in my role as a single mother. Watching my children grow up into deep thinking, logical young people has caused me to watch my steps. I've learned and am still learning how to be less selfish. Sure I have goals and dreams that are my own, but that is not selfishness. My children have taught me to practice what I preach.

Do you have a hard time living by the "golden rule"? Well, if you struggle with that, just have a few children watch you go through your day to day activities so much that you find them following in your footsteps. Do you long to make a difference in someone's life? Well raise chldren who have a sense of purpose and send them out into the world believing that they have a responsibility to the world around them. Do you want to know forgiveness? Watch how easily a child forgives her father or mother after they've been unjust. Do you want to be entertained? Ask a five year old to tell you a story about alligators or dinosaurs. Do you sometimes need to put your feet up for a while to rest an achey back and legs? Then sit on a couch and ask your eight-year-old to color with you for a while. These are special "mom" moments for me. I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world.

Children Are a Blessing: Part1

2005-07-17T09:39:00.000-05:00

I'm not the only mom walking around with more children than most can remember the names of who routinely hears, "Are all of these yours?," "Boy! You have your hands full!," "Don't you know what stops that?," "Haven't you figured out what causes that?," "You've got to be out of your mind!," "Better you than me," "Maybe you oughta take up watching t.v.," "Didn't you have other hobbies?," And the list goes on and on and on...

Now that I'm doing the whole single mom thing, I find myself hearing all sorts of things that are even more shocking than before. Seeing me with five children in tow, complete strangers, after asking if all of the children are mine, will ask if they all have the same father. This is most often asked in front of my children (who all have the same father). One man once joked (and it wasn't the least bit funny) that he could see why my husband would seek a way out of the madness of a home full of rugrats. Of course, there are times when such comments are infuriating, but for the most part such comments are far from shocking. "Why?," some may ask... Well, generally, people do not see children as a blessing. The general view of children is that one or two children is more than enough for anyone and that children are a burden.

Over the next few weeks, I'll be posting more on the weblog concerning my experience with children, why I believe children are a blessing and not a burden and why and how I believe that people should change their attitudes toward children.

I'm looking forward to writing more and reading the feedback from readers. Thanks to all of you who encourage me, give feedback, and cheer me on in this journey of life I'm on.

2005-07-14T16:19:00.000-05:00

Well, here I was feeling a bit weak and sick, air conditioning not working in the van, financial stresses weighing on me, stomach virus traveling from child to child, getting on the scale to see I'd put on some unwanted pounds... Things just aren't the way I've been planning them out to be. I've had a difficult time doing much of what I ought to do and that includes parenting. Not a depressed state, just a "I'm tired and want a rest" state of mind.

During the few days that I was out of sorts, I did some lazy parenting... Instead of going to my children to address their running in the house, I said, "Hey kids, be quiet and watch television." Instead of reading their routine bedtime stories, singing their favorite songs, and praying with them before tucking them in, I popped in a movie, called, "Hey, after your movie, turn off the television and go to bed." One press of the power button and the active, noisy, chaos around me was silenced.

So, how has this affected the children? Well, I know that the kids are arguing more lately, grumbling about the chores they need to help with to keep the house running smoothly, whining a bit more than normal, and less and less willing to interact with each other. It's not like I'm sitting here thinking, "Oh no!! I've destroyed my children." I've been especially blessed to have children who are obedient, respectful, fun, and a true joy. At the risk of sounding like the doting mother, I hesitantly say that my children are some of the most well behaved children that I know. At the same time, I realize that I may not be singing the same tune if I don't return to my "old ways" when it comes to parenting.

Now, someone reading this probably has already thought, "Well, Gretchen, you have five children who you are trying to raise alone. Don't be hard on yourself." Well, I'm not being hard on myself. Plain and simple observation being made here. No doubt in my mind on this next statement. If I continue to allow my five little ones to vegetate in front of the television, I'm going to pay dearly later on.

Children MUST learn to entertain themselves without video games, television and computers. They need to play outside, build things, draw things, write things, be silly together, do chores, interact with the children and adults around them, etc. If they don't, they will not be able to cope with the stresses of everyday life, they will be unwilling and/or possible inept when it comes to interacting with those around them. And my job as a single mom will be that much harder down the line.

Am I going to get rid of my television? NO. Am I going to threaten to throw the television out of the window if the kids have one more argument? Absolutely not! Will I unplug the television or disconnect the cable and then tell the children that the television is broken? Though I've considered it, it's just not happening.

What I will do is take the time each day to make sure that the children are doing something other than watch television. I will, once again, limit the amount of time the children are allowed to watch television. When children watch an minimal amount of television, they learn to do cooperate with each other, to use their imaginations, to create things, to play games, to enjoy reading a book... And I have the peaceful atmosphere that I long for.

Well, that's my thoughts for now. More to come later.

~Gretchen

This is re-posted from back in November

2005-06-02T22:16:00.000-05:00

As I've been trying to make thing happen for myself this past week, house-hunting and finding virtually nothing that I can truly live in, driving through what sometimes feels like the middle of nowhere (or somewhere close to nowhere), I realize that Someone much bigger than me knows right where I'm going to live, what home I'm going to have, and that He's going to provide for me the same way He always does. Can't deny that sometimes I'm horribly discouraged, but the truth is that I truly am at peace (deep down), knowing that He's taking care of me.
Anyway, I was just browsing through the archives and came across this and figured I could use reading it again. Figured I'd repost it. (Ok, truth is, I know I should've written here a long time ago and couldn't come up with anything so I'm doing the lazy route. Just kidding)

Prov. 16:9
"A man's heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps." (Prov. 16:9)

What a comfort! And to think we are so arrogant to even fathom that we are not in His hands sovereign hands... I often am ridiculously stupid enough to try to walk as though that is not the case. Praise Him for drawing me back to Him, time after time!

I pray that when I try to plan and plot out my future that my heart is in line w/ His. I pray that I function beautifully for His purposes and not my own selfish purposes. I pray that my children look at me and see godly example they will want to follow. I pray that I will not fight his direction when I plan my steps, but that I'll have a heart that yields to His direction. I pray that I stay teachable, always eager to be the woman He has called me to be. And He has called me to be something beautiful for His glory. May his glory shine through me!

I'm growing

2005-04-20T13:46:00.000-05:00

This is from part of a response I sent in an email to someone. As I was finishing up the email, I thought I should share it here.

I can tell when God helps me...The peace in me is no doubt from Him, not from lil 'ole me. I am convinced that when people see me they see the evidence that I'm growing in the Lord.... They see the fruit of the Spirit...love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self control. I'm a much more "laid back" person ( I no longer gasp at the utterance of foul language) when it comes to unbelievers (1 Cor 5:12). And I'm more loving than I used to be to other Christians. My marriage fell apart and I was left to raise five children w/o my husband, even when I was "doing it all right" and I was hurt and angry and I fell apart and I cried and oft times I wanted to disappear. Despair made her name known to me. But I'd go through it all again if it meant becoming the kind of person that I believe I am now. And I'm excited to see what kind of person God is shaping me to be for His glory down the line. I've got a long way to go. There are intense spiritual struggles in my walk w/ things I've never faced, daily I see how huge my pride is...but God is sanctifying me. And ya know, that's the greatest thing...

Thank you

2005-04-06T19:15:00.000-05:00

To those of you who have been reading this blog and have encouraged me to keep writing, thanks. It's been good for me to see the thoughts I have in writing. I'm one of those people who mulls things over and over again, not all bad stuff, just stuff. It could be something wonderful that I'm learning in the Word, thoughts of new people in my life, things I must accomplish in the days ahead, spiritual struggles that I'm battling, people I love...anything. These thoughts often keep me from even being able to sleep though the night.
Since I've started blogging, it's getting better. Much of what I've written never actually makes it to the blogspot. But it's still cleansing. I'd encourage anyone to blog, especially those who have a lot on their minds and feel they have something edifying to share with those who may read it.
Charlie, Alexandra...you two in particular have kept me writing. Thank you. You may not even know how much little things you've said or done have kept me working on this. Rebekah, your encouraging praise has made me feel like continuing the forward motion in this life. You have been an encouragement face to face, and now with the distance, in the lovely words you wrote at my blogspot. Thank you.
God has truly blessed me with wonderful friends. I've been told that if you can count your true friends on one hand, you've got more than most ever do. Well, I have been immeasurably blessed by friends who love the Lord and love me. And I praise God for that.
Love,
Gretchen

No Pity Please

2005-04-01T06:55:00.000-05:00

Well, I seem to be finding it difficult to write about things. Three blogs ended up being deleted in spite of weeks working on them. Not sure why exactly, but I just couldn't get myself to post them. Perhaps another time...

Most of the people reading this are likely friends of mine somehow or another, but I know there are some who don't know me, have never heard of me, or have met me in passing either online or in person who may wonder about me. So, I decided to share something that I've wanted to share from a personal level for quite some time. I'm going to tell you a little about me.

Two years ago (maybe a little more), I started watching my "white picket fence" life fall apart. Though I didn't know what it was that was going on, I sensed that my marriage was disintegrating. For the nine years before that, I'd devoured God's Word, listened to Christian programming, sought out advice of older, wiser Christian women, and read book after book with a genuine desire to be the woman, wife, and mother I believed I was called to be. There was not doubt in my mind that I "had it made" when it came to my marriage. In my minds eye, no man could light a candle to my husband. I wanted no one but him, my eye never wandered... He was my Prince Charming, my Knight in Shining Armor. I loved him.

In the summer of 2003, my husband told me he was planning on leaving me. Oh, the fear that overcame me! I wept, begged and pleaded with him to stay. And stay he did! But I knew in my heart, he did not love me and was only staying out of pity. Suddenly the books I was reading were a lot different than the ones I'd read before, the questions I was asking more mature, God fearing women changed as well, and my mission as a wife also changed. I was fighting for my marriage, with my whole heart, mind and soul. Almost every instant of my days were consumed with fear that my husband would leave me. And I wanted him to love me, to be committed to me, to not leave me. He saw that, and to this day I believe that he only stayed as long as he did out of pity.

In the months that followed his telling me that he wanted to leave me, my disposition changed a lot. I was slowly beginning to believe that I was going crazy. I was not functioning in my home as well, I was losing my temper from time to time, and I would find myself crying over the silliest things. My husband did not love me, and I knew it. Suspicions that there was someone else grew with time. The more those suspicions grew, the crazier I felt I was becoming. I was also becoming angry with God. Hadn't I been faithful? And my desire to have a marriage with Him as my foundation...Wasn't that a lovely desire? And didn't my children need their father to be seeking his Father?

Well, in January of 2004, IT happened. One night, he left. I didn't see it coming. I truly believed he'd stay, if only for the children, if only to do "the right thing", if only... If ever I wanted to stop existence, it was then. How thankful I am that I had five little people needing me, especially the baby! My ten month old child's needing me kept me going each day. I wasn't functioning well, but I was functioning. It took no time before my home started to look like something I could get my children taken away from me for living in. I wasn't checking my mail. I wasn't paying my bills. I wasn't going to the gym. I was doing little to nothing outstation of the bare minimum to be sure the kids' basic needs were cared for. Sometimes, I'd cry tile there were no more tears or until I felt I'd vomit. The mourning for my marriage was the complete opposite of bliss.

Within a very short period of time, I saw that God was teaching me something beautiful through this very, very ugly thing that was happening. He'd taught me that He truly is my ALL. I was humbled over time as I'd realized that I'd been idolizing my husband and my marriage, that I'd been seeing my marriage as sort of a status symbol, and that I'd not been empathetic toward other brothers and sisters in the Lord who'd suffered loss of their marriages.

How exciting it was to me, even through the pain to watch my Lord grow me up! He became my ALL finally. I'd hit my "rock bottom" and could only see Him when I looked up. When my idol had been stripped away from me, for the first time I was truly and fully relying on God. The concern for what others thought of me was diminishing day by day and being replaced by an increased desire to glorify my God with my whole heart and mind, to take the circumstanced I was in and not quit. God was doing something amazing in my life and I couldn't wait to see what it was, even if it meant enduring what I was going through. I continued to fight for my marriage until there was no more fight; I was determined to win him back (and I'm glad I did so) if at all possible. I will not get into the details, but my dissolution of my marriage did happen upon biblical grounds and my conscience is clear regarding the matter.

Well, this whole new world of being single has hit me hard. Being a single mom of five children is difficult, and I'm sure that goes without saying. The divorce was excruciating financially speaking. My children suffer with issues they'd not be suffering had my marriage stayed in tact. I battle loneliness and a desire to have someone to walk through this life with. But, something beautiful has happened; I've become a better version of the Gretchen I was before. My God has blessed me abundantly because He and He alone is my All. He and He alone is my source of joy, contentment, and peace. So, if you know me and you feel sorry for me, for my circumstances. Please change your pity to praise, prayer and thanksgiving. God is good, He has been good to me, and He will always faithful to me!

Maranatha!

hugs from abby

2005-02-09T12:42:00.000-05:00

hugs from abby
Originally uploaded by reallyneedanap.

We were taking this picture and she hugged my neck so tight. It was one of those, "Oh that hug feels so good" hugs. The kind that kids do so well....

Sophie is entertained

2005-02-09T12:41:00.000-05:00

sophie mom
Originally uploaded by reallyneedanap.

When we took this, Abby was amused as Joshua was pretending to be SpongeBog. She kept saying "Do it Dosh" to make him do it again...

Momma's boy

2005-02-09T12:35:00.000-05:00

caleb mommy
Originally uploaded by reallyneedanap.

No surprises here, Caleb is adjusting well! He is lovin' it here. He's the king of the playground. Lately, he's been making his momma's heart melt w/ random hugs at seemingly just the right time. He's mastered the art of doing it in a manly sort of "this is nice but I don't wanna be seen doing it" way.

My lil' man

2005-02-09T12:30:00.000-05:00

josh mom
Originally uploaded by reallyneedanap.

Josh is doin a great job being helpful, making friends, being patient as we get settled, and buckling down on his studying... He da man!

eskimo kisses

2005-02-09T11:41:00.000-05:00

eskimo kisses
Originally uploaded by reallyneedanap.

My Bethany, the princess in the house. She's been quite the lil' helper here. She's anxious to have her room all set up. She's been a ray of sunshine on some days when I just haven't been able to stay motivated to get the unpacking done. What would I do w/o my Bethany?

Welcome Home Daddy

2005-01-11T08:37:00.000-05:00

Welcome Home Daddy
Originally uploaded by reallyneedanap.

After a year away from his family, this single dad (my brother) finally arrived back on U.S. soil. His little girls were searching for him, he was searching for his girls, and those all around him were reunited with their loved ones already. This picture tells the rest of the story.

2004-12-18T08:17:00.000-05:00

I've not blogged in a while. The backspace key has been put to much use. I start a rant about something and delete it. Some funny thing happens, I write it, as I write it, I find it ridiculously less funny, and I delete it. I share some piece of my heart, decide it's too personal for the world wide web, and delete it. Wel, I figured I'd say something, something to keep the blog alive, so to speak. So, today I'll just say what's on my mind after my quiet Bible reading/prayer time...

Personally, I feel as though my life is on the up and up. My faith is stronger now than it was a year ago, I hunger for God's Word like never before, I'm aware, daily, that I have a few areas of pride I must address, there's a renewed confidence within me I didn't realize I was capable of, my life-perspective has become more eternal and less temporary. Some of my circumstances have been difficult, but I feel content in spite of them. A lot of my hopes and dreams have been dashed, but I have found myself hoping more in the Lord and less in circumstance. As difficult as things have been, I've got a lot to hope for, and a heck of a lot to be thankful for.

I've made new friends, the kind I want in my life for years. A few old friendships have strengthened greatly. Unfortunately, the failing of my marriage seems to have caused a few of the old friendships to fall apart as well. It seems, in essence, some friends will divorce their friends, especially within the church, regardless of the reasoning behind a divorce. I pray for the new relationships as well as the old, that the new friendships will be of substance and the old ones will once again be. How wonderful to just sit and talk with a well-loved friend! May I never take my friendships for granted...

Well, there are my thoughts for the day... No backspacing this time.

Abigail and Bethany

2004-11-22T10:37:00.000-05:00

sisters swinging
Originally uploaded by reallyneedanap.

I am thankful for the laughs my silly children bring to me. They make disgusting faces, kill bugs their mother is to chicken to approach, hug me any time I need a cuddle, enjoy my singing (poor kids), challenge me spiritually (ever heard your own children pray for you), trust me fully, and love me sweetly.

In all thy ways acknoledge Him...

2004-11-19T22:24:00.000-05:00

gretchen on hike
Originally uploaded by reallyneedanap.

Prov. 16:9

2004-11-19T17:00:00.000-05:00

"A man's heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps." (Prov. 16:9)

What a comfort! And to think we are so arrogant to even fathom that we are not in His hands sovereign hands... I often am ridiculously stupid enough to try to walk as though that is not the case. Praise Him for drawing me back to Him, time after time!

I pray that when I try to plan and plot out my future that my heart is in line w/ His. I pray that I function beautifully for His purposes and not my own selfish purposes. I pray that my children look at me and see godly example they will want to follow. I pray that I will not fight his direction when I plan my steps, but that I'll have a heart that yields to His direction. I pray that I stay teachable, always eager to be the woman He has called me to be. And He has called me to be something beautiful for His glory. May his glory shine through me!

Today, I'm going to......

2004-11-19T06:54:00.000-05:00

One of my favorite books is "The Synonym Finder." Where I found it, I don't know, but I'm quite thankful that I found it because sometimes it facitlitates my sounding just a little smarter than I truly am. And when I cannot find my dictionary, my trusty "The Synonym Finder" is faithfully there saying, "It's okay Gretchen. I'll tell you what that word means."

Anyway, off to the topic of the day. P R O C R A S T I N A T I O N. I've a horrible tendency to procrastinate and I'm only just now fessing up about it. There are papers which I've intended to file for months. There's a floor I should have mopped days ago. There is this college enrollment I've held off on until the very last minute. My problem with procrastination is truly starting to bother me more than ever. Before, I was merely giving myself excuses to continue down Procrastination Street. Now, I'm troubled about it and have started some self-evaluation regarding my procrastination.

"The Synonym Finder" is sitting here on my lap, opened up to page 940. Procrastination is the very first word on the page. So, I'll go ahead and list some of the synonyms for my dreaded word of the day....

Procrastination-
delay
slacken
play for time
defer
put off
postpone
table
shelve
prorogue (there's a word to use if I desire to sound a little smarter than I am)
adjourn
suspend
put aside
pigeonhole
put on a back burner
hesitate
waver
wait
tarry
linger
dawdle
dally
dillydally
idle
tread water
drag one's feet
loaf
shirk
waste time
sleep on the job.......

Wow! So, I've this pattern-this way about me.... It involves wasting time, sleeping on the job, dillydallying (my dad used to say that about me), tarrying, and playing for time. How convicting is that?!!

Anyway, I am sure that I cannot go on this way. My procrastination holds me back, it keeps me imprisoned in a life with a lot that's been left unaccomplished.

So, why do I do this? Here is what I think....
1) Habit---After years of just setting things aside, I've given very little thought to what it is I'm doing (or not doing) anymore.

2) Disbelief---I've not believed until quite recently that I could accomplish a lot of my goals; therefore, I've put off setting into action a plan to get them done.

3) Laziness---Sometimes, I've put off doing things because there were less pressing matters which were easier to deal with at the time.

4) Priorities---I'd not taken the time to think about how important the things I'd put off were.

Over the past few days, I've been thinking about my life, trying to prioritize my goals. It's been excruciatingly difficult! Why? Because I've procrastinated so much over the years. There is just a tremendous amount of stuff to catch up on, and because of the dillydallying I've done over the years, there's some back-tracking to do as well.

Well, I've fessed up now. From now on, when someone comes to my home, I may just say, "Hello, my name is Gretchen and I am a Procrastinator. I've been not putting things off for....." Seriously, somehow, I've got to stop this. Truth be known, I believe my life depends on it in some ways.

I guess I should have come up with some solution to this and had it all typed out here to be read. And then a fellow procrastinator could say, "Wow! That was edifying. Thanks for your thoughts, Gretchen. Your words have been used to motivate me not to procrastinate any more." That would have been lovely. But the truth is, I don't know that I have a solution for it other than to say, "Just Stop. Get off of your lazy bum and get that important stuff accomplished!" That's what I'm doing for myself. Hopefully, some fellow procrastaholic will share what has worked for them.

In Christ,
Gretchen

2004-11-17T13:35:00.000-05:00

People need.....

2004-11-16T13:26:00.000-05:00

Sometimes when the kids wave to the neighbors, you can just tell that these people wave back with a wee bit of discomfot.. Believe it or not, some won't even look up to wave back at all. You'd think our friendly gesture of waving is on par with Mormons coming to the door. "Quick, the Engle children are outside. Look down, avoid eye contact! They're going to wave at us as we walk to our car." One of the neighbors is a sourpuss. Personally, I don't think she is someone people would call attractive, but I believe that is largely due to the scowl imprinted upon her face. This may sound cruel, and perhaps it is, but I make it a point to wave at this woman every time she drives past my yard. I figure she is starting to get irritated by it, but I just cannot bring myself to quit. My oldest has wised up to what I am doing and has joined me my sick little game. So, almost every day, Joshua and I wear our biggest smiles as Donna drives by with her sourpuss face, we wave as though we're waving to a long-lost friend, and place bets on whether or not this is the day she will smile or wave back.

I don't know Donna's story. But I know we have neighbors who've gone through so much hurt. The eldest son of the neighbors who live directly across the street murdered a young woman (who happened to be my age and was expecting her first child) and dumped her body like trash. These neighbors are lovely, friendly people-the only neighbors who ever bother to say "Hi!" effortlessly. They're heart-broken; their lives have been shattered. Across the street to the side of us is the kids' school nurse. A few years ago, her husband committed suicide. She keeps to herself and I truly never see her little girl play outside. Not one time in the year I've lived in this house have I seen that little girl ride a bike, play in her yard, or anything. Next door to the school nurse is a lovely church-going middle aged woman with a gorgeous teenage girl. Her husband left her for a co-worker after many years of marriage. Three houses down from this woman is Donna. Two houses down from the school nurse in the opposite direction is a lesbian couple who argue quite a bit in their front yard in the morning hours. I'll give them this much, they're friendly to the other neighbors. Once, one of the women took great joy in sharing with me how to keep my petunias alive (and no I don't think she was hitting on me). Behind me is a quiet policeman who seems to enjoy greeting Joshua (it's hard to not be lured by Josh's charm. He's friendly and never hesitates to introduce himself when encountering new people). At the same time, this man gets a bit irritated over the smallest things. Once he was complaining that pinecones from one of our trees was falling into his yard..... Oh goodness, I'll just leave that one alone. Anyway, I've got a lot of quiet, unfriendly or otherwise unhappy neighbors.

My heart aches for these people. I know the joy that God gives in spite of my circumstances. I know the comfort of a sovereign, faithful Lord during times of intense heartache. I've got joy in the depths of my heart. I experience the blessing of forgiveness when I completely blow it in life, which is so much more often that I'd ever care to admit. Each day I can sing a new song to my God, my provider.

I know these people don't know me for the most part, nor do they care to. But I long for them to know God's salvation. I long for them to experience his grace and peace. I long for them to have abundant life. So, now what?

What does little old me do about it?

DSWF

2004-11-15T14:25:00.000-05:00

DSWF w/ children (more than you can remember the names of) seeks sane, handsome SWM. Must have clean credit history, nice teeth, 8-passenger vehicle, pleasant disposition, dimples, organizational skills, American citizenship or greencard.....

Ok, so I'm new to this whole single thing. I don't know if I play the single role well or not. The wife thing I had down pretty well. My lines were memorized, I never forgot the proper placement of props, and I was great at improvisation. But this new role is completely different.

I'm learning that my having a tattoo (oh what was I thinking?) helps break the ice after my new single friends learn that I have five children. I'm also learning that my married friends are at a loss as to what to do with me, and that's ok because I'm also at a loss as to what to do with me.

So, how does one fairly young, formerly married woman play the role of being single? Does she sit on the sidelines and watch the pros in action? Does she dabble in and get her feet wet? Since the pity party over the loss of the marriage has ended and the guests are gone, what kind of party does she throw next?

Just a little rambling to get this blog started. What have I gotten myself into now?

-Gretchen

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